1
00:00:02,002 --> 00:00:04,178
♪♪ [theme]

2
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Testing. One, two, three,

3
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four, five, six, seven, eight.

4
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Testing.

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A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H...

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♪ I got a gal
in Kalamazoo ♪

7
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Give me that.

8
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All right, attention.

9
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Attention, please.

10
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May I have the attention
of each and every
personnel, please?

11
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This is your commanding
officer Colonel Blake.

12
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I thought it was Major Bowes.

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Now, uh,

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it's required that, uh,

15
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everyone be given
a routine medical checkup.

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This is according to
a new army regulation

17
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which is, uh, your,
uh, RP78/80778J,

18
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uh, blah, blah, blah.

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Now, accordingly,
enlisted men will fall

20
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into the mess tent to
receive their physicals.

21
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Officers will
examine themselves

22
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and vice versa in private.

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Uh, is there anything else

24
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that I should tell 'em,
Radar?

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Okay, tonight's movie
is a double feature:

26
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Godzilla
and the Bobby-Soxer

27
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plus Ma and Pa Kettle
Have a Baby.

28
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Ohh.

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♪ Zoo zoo
zoo-zee-zoo ♪

30
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Aah, aah, ah--

31
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Don't swallow
the doctor.

32
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You're a typical
soldier, soldier.

33
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Fine for the army,
but not fit to be drafted.

34
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Trapper,
take a look at this.

35
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Rotatory scoliosis.

36
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Hmm, haven't seen
many of those.

37
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Nothing to worry about.
You were born that way.

38
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Your vertebrae are trying
to pass each other on a hill.

39
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What's a pretty girl like you
doing in a war like this?

40
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Klinger, are you a Catholic?

41
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Your heart's playing
"The Bells of St. Mary's."

42
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Two degrees of temperature?

43
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He's not a well woman.

44
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I'm not the
complaining type.

45
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Since when?

46
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Step over there,
sir and/or madam.

47
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-Hi, Frank.
-Hello, Frank.

48
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That's your business.

49
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Customers waiting.

50
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Why do I always get stuck

51
00:03:03,313 --> 00:03:04,532
with "turn your head
and cough"?

52
00:03:04,575 --> 00:03:05,968
You have
the gift, Frank.

53
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You have a perfect
head for hernias.

54
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You daffy-doodles
always have an answer.

55
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Send 'em in.

56
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Step behind the screen
and drop your pants.

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Step behind the screen
and raise your skirt.

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MARGARET: All right, girls.
Attention, please.

59
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Now, I will give you
the preliminary exam,

60
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and then the doctors
will go to work on you.

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Bear in mind
that you are the cream

62
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of American military
womanhood,

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serving your Uncle Sam
and entitled to dignity.

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No smart remarks,

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no insinuations,
sex or smut-wise.

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You are women,
desirable women.

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Most of you.

68
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But army regulations
forbid any doctor

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to assist you from
undressing into disrobement.

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Further, they can
do nothing, nothing,

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when you are alone with them

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but give you
a good going-over.

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Now, when I call your
name, please scream.

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♪♪ [vocalizing]

75
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New girl in town?

76
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I'm giving Hot Lips
her physical.

77
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Does Frank know?

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I was thinking of
tying him in a chair

79
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and making him watch.

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He's scheduled
to do my physical.

81
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Fat chance.

82
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I'll do you.
I'm used to autopsies.

83
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Nobody's examining me.

84
00:04:30,182 --> 00:04:32,359
This place is medically
medieval.

85
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The lab equipment
went up San Juan Hill

86
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with Teddy Roosevelt.

87
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Most of you guys
wouldn't know a disease

88
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unless it was social

89
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and there's not a clean
finger in the whole camp.

90
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What? You get a package
of hostility from home today?

91
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That's how I feel.
To hell with it.

92
00:04:47,374 --> 00:04:49,114
You certainly woke up
from your nap cranky.

93
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Have a gargle?

94
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Our kidneys, sir.

95
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They were fun while
they were alive,

96
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and so were we.

97
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It's got to be the worst.

98
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Can't be.
It's real gin.

99
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Oh, terrible.

100
00:05:07,089 --> 00:05:10,527
Does this mean my taste
buds have been raped?

101
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Am I condemned to drinking
Vitalis on the rocks

102
00:05:13,225 --> 00:05:15,358
for the rest of my life?

103
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Wicked.

104
00:05:19,014 --> 00:05:20,929
Let's make a pact
about drinking.

105
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-All right.
-Let's never stop.

106
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I'm off to Hot Lips country.

107
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If I'm not back in two days,
alert intensive care.

108
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[knock knock]

109
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Hi. Doctor's here,
darling.

110
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Oh, yes, the physical.

111
00:05:59,750 --> 00:06:01,665
Physical to you,

112
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the house call
of a lifetime to me,

113
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you blonde palomino hussy.

114
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Where do you want to start?

115
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Aah!

116
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Ah.

117
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-Ah.
-Ah.

118
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-Ah.
-Ah.

119
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Attaboy.

120
00:06:26,734 --> 00:06:28,605
Never had your
tonsils out, huh?

121
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Should I, sir?

122
00:06:29,954 --> 00:06:31,652
Eh, just a thought.

123
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They're big enough
to be a baby's backside.

124
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Glands okay.

125
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Thank you, sir.

126
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All right,

127
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stand with your
little feet together.

128
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Close your eyes.

129
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Extend your arm
and touch the old nose.

130
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Your nose, Radar. Your nose.

131
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A few deep breaths,
Margaret.

132
00:07:05,512 --> 00:07:07,383
Breathe hard.
Pretend I'm Frank.

133
00:07:08,776 --> 00:07:11,343
I know how to breathe hard,
Doctor.

134
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If I locate your heart,
do I get a finder's fee?

135
00:07:16,958 --> 00:07:18,002
Hmm.

136
00:07:19,351 --> 00:07:21,049
You're very fit, Major.

137
00:07:21,092 --> 00:07:23,138
I guess that's 'cause
you throw so many.

138
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Could stand to lose
about ten pounds, though.

139
00:07:25,532 --> 00:07:26,881
What?

140
00:07:26,924 --> 00:07:28,709
Stop grazing
between meals.

141
00:07:28,752 --> 00:07:30,537
Right in through there.

142
00:07:30,580 --> 00:07:33,061
That should be posted
as a slide area.

143
00:07:33,104 --> 00:07:34,845
You're also getting
a little flanky.

144
00:07:34,889 --> 00:07:36,499
You're crazy.

145
00:07:36,543 --> 00:07:38,283
Walking away from people,
you look like you're wearing

146
00:07:38,327 --> 00:07:39,807
two strange bulldogs in a bag.

147
00:07:41,286 --> 00:07:43,506
Are you quite
finished, Doctor?

148
00:07:43,550 --> 00:07:46,161
Roll up your sleeve
from the neck down.

149
00:07:46,204 --> 00:07:48,119
We'll do it my way.

150
00:07:49,773 --> 00:07:51,035
Pressure pooper.

151
00:07:53,647 --> 00:07:56,040
Strip to the waist.

152
00:07:56,084 --> 00:07:58,042
Bare naked, sir?

153
00:07:58,086 --> 00:08:01,393
Radar, I'm not casting
for the Ziegfeld Follies.

154
00:08:01,437 --> 00:08:03,352
Yes, sir.

155
00:08:22,937 --> 00:08:26,114
Radar, there is a you
under there, isn't there?

156
00:08:26,157 --> 00:08:28,682
I'm getting to me, sir.

157
00:08:28,725 --> 00:08:31,293
Somebody naked
scare you once?

158
00:08:31,336 --> 00:08:34,078
My folks never took
their clothes off, sir.

159
00:08:34,122 --> 00:08:37,952
They said that the skin
was the devil's slipcover.

160
00:08:37,995 --> 00:08:39,997
For Pete's sake.

161
00:08:50,617 --> 00:08:54,142
-What's that?
-That's my new tattoo.

162
00:08:54,185 --> 00:08:56,623
It's an anchor.

163
00:08:56,666 --> 00:08:58,668
Well, I mean, you're
not in the Navy.

164
00:08:58,712 --> 00:09:02,280
I tried to get a red cross,
but it was a buck fifty.

165
00:09:02,324 --> 00:09:04,805
This was only 50 cents.

166
00:09:04,848 --> 00:09:07,895
Radar, getting one of
those is very unsanitary.

167
00:09:07,938 --> 00:09:10,985
Oh, I washed my
hands first, sir.

168
00:09:11,028 --> 00:09:13,117
Right. Right.

169
00:09:13,161 --> 00:09:14,858
Let's audition your pump.

170
00:09:25,129 --> 00:09:26,522
Can you make it
go up and down?

171
00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:28,655
No, not yet.

172
00:09:28,698 --> 00:09:31,135
But I hum when I do it.

173
00:09:35,183 --> 00:09:37,751
All right, McIntyre,
time for your checkup.

174
00:09:37,794 --> 00:09:39,100
Into your birthday suit.

175
00:09:39,143 --> 00:09:40,667
Take a walk, Frank.

176
00:09:40,710 --> 00:09:42,494
This is the army.

177
00:09:42,538 --> 00:09:43,974
Then take a hike.

178
00:09:44,018 --> 00:09:45,802
Are you refusing
to take your physical

179
00:09:45,846 --> 00:09:47,456
from a superior officer?

180
00:09:47,499 --> 00:09:49,414
No, I'm refusing
to take my physical

181
00:09:49,458 --> 00:09:51,155
from an inferior doctor.

182
00:09:51,199 --> 00:09:52,853
What's all
the adrenaline for?

183
00:09:52,896 --> 00:09:55,246
McIntyre's refused
to take his clothes
off for me.

184
00:09:55,290 --> 00:09:57,118
Well, not everybody is
Major Houlihan, Frank.

185
00:09:57,161 --> 00:09:58,641
Which is a relief to us all.

186
00:09:58,685 --> 00:10:00,164
Out, Frank.

187
00:10:00,208 --> 00:10:02,950
Excuse me, sirs.

188
00:10:02,993 --> 00:10:05,126
Remember that rotarian
sillyosis thing

189
00:10:05,169 --> 00:10:06,606
that guy had
on his back before?

190
00:10:06,649 --> 00:10:07,911
-Yeah, yeah.
-I got it.

191
00:10:07,955 --> 00:10:10,348
Just had an X-ray
taken, sir.

192
00:10:10,392 --> 00:10:11,480
Get out!

193
00:10:11,523 --> 00:10:13,177
I just came in.

194
00:10:13,221 --> 00:10:15,963
There is no room in
this tent for perverts.

195
00:10:16,006 --> 00:10:18,618
Shall we all leave
alphabetically?

196
00:10:18,661 --> 00:10:21,098
The ink is still wet
where you touched it up.

197
00:10:21,142 --> 00:10:22,447
I swear I got it.

198
00:10:22,491 --> 00:10:24,406
I can't wear
anything backless.

199
00:10:24,449 --> 00:10:26,016
Out, Klinger! Out!

200
00:10:26,060 --> 00:10:28,758
"Out, Klinger. Out."

201
00:10:28,802 --> 00:10:31,021
All right, McIntyre,
do I check you up,

202
00:10:31,065 --> 00:10:32,675
or check you
into the stockade?

203
00:10:32,719 --> 00:10:33,850
Hold it, mouth.

204
00:10:33,894 --> 00:10:35,460
Look, Trap,

205
00:10:35,504 --> 00:10:38,115
I'd rather be strung up
by my Achilles tendon

206
00:10:38,159 --> 00:10:39,900
than agree with
Major Disaster here.

207
00:10:39,943 --> 00:10:41,641
Oh, fudge.

208
00:10:43,294 --> 00:10:45,079
Refusing a checkup
doesn't make sense.

209
00:10:45,122 --> 00:10:46,994
It's basic.

210
00:10:47,037 --> 00:10:49,692
There something you
wanna get off your chest

211
00:10:49,736 --> 00:10:51,041
or arms or legs?

212
00:10:52,739 --> 00:10:54,654
[sigh] Okay.

213
00:10:56,133 --> 00:10:58,483
Okay.

214
00:11:00,094 --> 00:11:01,965
[sighing]

215
00:11:02,009 --> 00:11:05,447
I got a problem
in my belly,

216
00:11:05,490 --> 00:11:07,275
but I don't want it
diagnosed here

217
00:11:07,318 --> 00:11:09,712
because I don't wanna be
treated in this pigpen.

218
00:11:12,802 --> 00:11:13,934
Pain?

219
00:11:13,977 --> 00:11:16,719
Yeah, when I'm empty.

220
00:11:16,763 --> 00:11:18,329
Feels better when I eat.

221
00:11:18,373 --> 00:11:19,809
Wake you up at night?

222
00:11:19,853 --> 00:11:21,376
[sigh] Yeah.

223
00:11:21,419 --> 00:11:24,248
First I thought it was
alcoholic gastritis.

224
00:11:24,292 --> 00:11:27,687
You know, we've
been hitting the sauce
pretty good lately.

225
00:11:27,730 --> 00:11:30,690
But the symptomology
is wrong.

226
00:11:30,733 --> 00:11:32,082
I got heartburn

227
00:11:32,126 --> 00:11:33,867
that would light up
the city of Toledo.

228
00:11:35,303 --> 00:11:37,261
I've been taking
this stuff here lately.

229
00:11:38,610 --> 00:11:40,221
Antacid.
Does that help?

230
00:11:40,264 --> 00:11:41,701
A little, but not enough.

231
00:11:44,834 --> 00:11:46,793
I think I got
a duodenal ulcer.

232
00:11:48,316 --> 00:11:50,318
What's the smile for?

233
00:11:50,361 --> 00:11:51,928
Trap,
it's not just an ulcer.

234
00:11:51,972 --> 00:11:53,713
If you've got one,
that's your ticket home.

235
00:11:53,756 --> 00:11:55,540
You've got a
million-dollar hole

236
00:11:55,584 --> 00:11:57,455
-in your belly.
-Hey.

237
00:11:57,499 --> 00:11:59,893
Hey. Hey-hey!

238
00:12:08,989 --> 00:12:10,642
You see that crater?

239
00:12:10,686 --> 00:12:12,688
That's the money,
McIntyre.

240
00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:14,429
Congratulations.
You've just given birth

241
00:12:14,472 --> 00:12:16,736
to a bouncing
1.2 centimeter ulcer.

242
00:12:16,779 --> 00:12:19,477
You are going back
to the world, my friend.

243
00:12:19,521 --> 00:12:21,784
Before you know it,
you'll be home
sleeping on the couch

244
00:12:21,828 --> 00:12:24,308
because you started
talking in your sleep.

245
00:12:24,352 --> 00:12:27,137
You know, I feel so
terrible, I feel great.

246
00:12:27,181 --> 00:12:28,617
You big, strong,
dumb, silent types

247
00:12:28,660 --> 00:12:30,314
can't handle the tension.

248
00:12:30,358 --> 00:12:31,968
All cool on the outside,
but inside

249
00:12:32,012 --> 00:12:34,275
there's an acid factory
in your belly.

250
00:12:34,318 --> 00:12:36,799
Hey, we gotta have
a snort on this.

251
00:12:36,843 --> 00:12:39,802
A little something to, uh,
irrigate the inwards.

252
00:12:39,846 --> 00:12:41,282
-Hear, hear.
-Scotch or bourbon?

253
00:12:41,325 --> 00:12:43,066
-Right.
-No, by me.

254
00:12:43,110 --> 00:12:45,547
Good boy. Radar.

255
00:12:45,590 --> 00:12:47,810
Radar, bring us
some milk, will you?

256
00:12:47,854 --> 00:12:49,333
Who died?

257
00:12:51,248 --> 00:12:52,728
Yes, sir.

258
00:12:54,556 --> 00:12:55,949
You better call home

259
00:12:55,992 --> 00:12:57,820
and let your wife
know you're coming.

260
00:12:57,864 --> 00:12:59,648
Right, you don't wanna
walk in on anything.

261
00:12:59,691 --> 00:13:01,824
Some of those 4-Fs
run pretty big.

262
00:13:01,868 --> 00:13:04,087
Ah, I can't tell you how
much it'll mean to me

263
00:13:04,131 --> 00:13:05,828
to get back
and see my two girls.

264
00:13:05,872 --> 00:13:07,003
Daddy's home.

265
00:13:07,047 --> 00:13:08,657
Boy, I bet they've grown.

266
00:13:08,700 --> 00:13:09,963
Probably shaving now.

267
00:13:11,094 --> 00:13:12,269
Is everybody all right?

268
00:13:12,313 --> 00:13:13,749
I'm going home, Radar.

269
00:13:13,793 --> 00:13:14,924
He's got an ulcer.

270
00:13:14,968 --> 00:13:16,621
Wow! You lucky pup...

271
00:13:16,665 --> 00:13:18,928
-sir.
-Join us, Radar.

272
00:13:18,972 --> 00:13:20,712
Go get a sterile bottle
and a clean nipple.

273
00:13:20,756 --> 00:13:22,540
Oh, okay.

274
00:13:22,584 --> 00:13:24,934
Henry, we gotta throw
the kid a farewell bash.

275
00:13:24,978 --> 00:13:26,066
Absotively.

276
00:13:26,109 --> 00:13:28,546
A monster,
embarrassing blowout.

277
00:13:28,590 --> 00:13:31,114
You can come as your
favorite lamp shade.

278
00:13:32,986 --> 00:13:34,378
Here's to Auld Lang Syne.

279
00:13:34,422 --> 00:13:35,379
Skoal.

280
00:13:35,423 --> 00:13:36,728
A votre santé.

281
00:13:36,772 --> 00:13:38,295
Keeps the doctor away.

282
00:13:40,907 --> 00:13:43,213
-[knocking]
-Who's there?

283
00:13:43,257 --> 00:13:45,041
FRANK: Just a little
bit of heaven.

284
00:13:45,085 --> 00:13:46,477
Come in, Frank.

285
00:13:48,479 --> 00:13:49,567
Hi, sweets.

286
00:13:52,092 --> 00:13:54,485
You realize what McIntyre's
leaving means, don't you?

287
00:13:54,529 --> 00:13:56,705
No, Frank.
What does it mean?

288
00:13:56,748 --> 00:13:59,099
He'll be gone
and he'll be here.

289
00:13:59,142 --> 00:14:00,622
They won't be them anymore.

290
00:14:00,665 --> 00:14:02,929
-They'll only be him.
-Right.

291
00:14:02,972 --> 00:14:05,975
From now on, Margaret,
instead of two against two,

292
00:14:06,019 --> 00:14:09,152
it's us against him,
two against one.

293
00:14:09,196 --> 00:14:10,240
Fine.

294
00:14:10,284 --> 00:14:11,807
Of course, uh...

295
00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:13,896
I prefer one against one.

296
00:14:13,940 --> 00:14:15,245
Oh, please, Frank.

297
00:14:15,289 --> 00:14:16,943
Well, why so
irritable, princess?

298
00:14:16,986 --> 00:14:19,249
I'm not irritable,
Frank.

299
00:14:19,293 --> 00:14:23,297
I'm just... fat.

300
00:14:23,340 --> 00:14:26,735
You have a fat,
fat princess.

301
00:14:26,778 --> 00:14:30,652
That just means there's
more of you to love.

302
00:14:30,695 --> 00:14:32,436
So then you agree
I'm fat?

303
00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:35,222
No, Margaret.
Not "fat" fat.

304
00:14:35,265 --> 00:14:37,311
You're sort of halfway
between fat and thin

305
00:14:37,354 --> 00:14:39,226
leaning a little bit
to the not fat

306
00:14:39,269 --> 00:14:43,839
but rather the thin
side of fat.

307
00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:45,667
In other words, fat.

308
00:14:45,710 --> 00:14:47,190
No, you're actually thin,

309
00:14:47,234 --> 00:14:49,540
for a person that
weighs as much as you do.

310
00:14:49,584 --> 00:14:52,935
I'll tell you how
thin I am-- not very.

311
00:14:52,979 --> 00:14:57,897
Margaret, you're what
I like to think of as...

312
00:14:57,940 --> 00:15:00,377
full-bodied.

313
00:15:00,421 --> 00:15:02,466
Is that what you like
to think of, Frank?

314
00:15:02,510 --> 00:15:03,990
All the time.

315
00:15:04,033 --> 00:15:08,255
You're all nice and round
and mushy and soft.

316
00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:11,606
Unlike a certain
person back home

317
00:15:11,649 --> 00:15:14,261
on whom I used
to cut myself.

318
00:15:14,304 --> 00:15:16,306
Hey, Frank. What do you
have to do this afternoon?

319
00:15:16,350 --> 00:15:17,873
Well, I'm garbage officer.

320
00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:19,614
-The garbage can wait.
-The garbage can wait.

321
00:15:21,616 --> 00:15:23,313
Do you realize,
you lucky bugger,

322
00:15:23,357 --> 00:15:25,620
in a few days you're gonna
be eating unpowdered food?

323
00:15:25,663 --> 00:15:27,883
Wearing clothes
made for humans?

324
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:30,016
Sleeping on clean sheets?

325
00:15:30,059 --> 00:15:32,496
I don't think I can sleep
on clean sheets anymore.

326
00:15:32,540 --> 00:15:35,978
Why don't you take
home a set of dirties?

327
00:15:36,022 --> 00:15:37,849
The Garden of Allah.

328
00:15:37,893 --> 00:15:40,330
And to think that
I could call this home.

329
00:15:40,374 --> 00:15:42,245
Fungus grows on you.

330
00:15:42,289 --> 00:15:43,986
After you go, I'm having
the place done over

331
00:15:44,030 --> 00:15:45,640
in deep-pile germs.

332
00:15:45,683 --> 00:15:47,381
And I won't be here.

333
00:15:47,424 --> 00:15:50,732
I'll make you a doggy bag
of bacteria for the plane.

334
00:15:50,775 --> 00:15:53,561
Here, take this.
I've read it eight times.

335
00:15:53,604 --> 00:15:56,738
Sirs, you're looking
at a dying man.

336
00:15:56,781 --> 00:15:58,958
I got 20 minutes
to live tops.

337
00:15:59,001 --> 00:16:02,004
My blood pressure
is 200 over 310.

338
00:16:02,048 --> 00:16:03,875
Stuffing cigars up
your armpits again?

339
00:16:03,919 --> 00:16:06,748
When it gets
to 400, sell.

340
00:16:06,791 --> 00:16:08,793
For now, exit laughing.

341
00:16:08,837 --> 00:16:12,101
Sir, you're getting
out on an ulcer.

342
00:16:12,145 --> 00:16:13,842
How did you do it?
What did you think about?

343
00:16:13,885 --> 00:16:16,149
-How did you get it?
-I'm fertile, that's all.

344
00:16:16,192 --> 00:16:18,020
And he just didn't
take any precautions.

345
00:16:18,064 --> 00:16:19,239
Bye, Klinger.

346
00:16:19,282 --> 00:16:21,676
"Bye, Klinger."
Every five minutes,

347
00:16:21,719 --> 00:16:22,851
"Bye, Klinger."

348
00:16:26,811 --> 00:16:27,725
Well...

349
00:16:29,510 --> 00:16:31,425
it's all yours, Hawk.

350
00:16:34,167 --> 00:16:35,559
Gonna move out?

351
00:16:35,603 --> 00:16:37,257
Be a good chance to
get away from Frank.

352
00:16:37,300 --> 00:16:40,129
No, I'll stay. I wouldn't
want a room without a Bible.

353
00:16:45,091 --> 00:16:46,309
Thanks, Trap.

354
00:16:49,660 --> 00:16:50,748
What?

355
00:16:52,315 --> 00:16:53,751
You made it bearable.

356
00:16:56,145 --> 00:16:57,886
I was lucky.

357
00:16:57,929 --> 00:17:00,149
You were honest and open...

358
00:17:02,630 --> 00:17:04,110
and let me lean on you.

359
00:17:09,245 --> 00:17:10,855
No charge.

360
00:17:13,815 --> 00:17:15,817
And if I'm ever
back this way...

361
00:17:17,340 --> 00:17:19,560
I'll keep a light burning
for you in a bedpan.

362
00:17:25,348 --> 00:17:27,046
Uh, yes, sir.
I'm writing it down.

363
00:17:28,221 --> 00:17:30,179
Well, not really
shorthand, sir.

364
00:17:30,223 --> 00:17:32,486
Sort of a long shorthand.

365
00:17:32,529 --> 00:17:33,748
Yes, sir.

366
00:17:35,445 --> 00:17:37,665
Hey, the troops are really
doing it tonight, huh?

367
00:17:37,708 --> 00:17:38,753
Hey.

368
00:17:40,189 --> 00:17:42,191
Where's Radar?
Anybody seen Radar?

369
00:17:42,235 --> 00:17:43,932
Afraid somebody
will step on him?

370
00:17:43,975 --> 00:17:45,325
[chuckling]

371
00:17:47,457 --> 00:17:50,243
I got something
for you, sir.

372
00:17:50,286 --> 00:17:52,506
Save the present
for the party, Radar.

373
00:17:52,549 --> 00:17:54,508
Oh, no, it's
a message from H.Q.

374
00:17:54,551 --> 00:17:57,424
They, uh, got your X-ray
and your medical file

375
00:17:57,467 --> 00:17:58,686
and they approved
your ulcer.

376
00:17:58,729 --> 00:18:00,557
Oh, that's damn
nice of them.

377
00:18:00,601 --> 00:18:01,819
Uh, yeah.

378
00:18:03,647 --> 00:18:06,128
Well, uh, you report
to Tokyo General

379
00:18:06,172 --> 00:18:08,565
for three weeks
of therapy, antacid,

380
00:18:08,609 --> 00:18:11,612
planned diets,
tranquilizers,

381
00:18:11,655 --> 00:18:13,222
the works.

382
00:18:13,266 --> 00:18:15,094
Is this some kind
of an army screw-up?

383
00:18:15,137 --> 00:18:16,486
I'm going home.

384
00:18:16,530 --> 00:18:18,662
No.

385
00:18:18,706 --> 00:18:21,187
They said they don't send
you home with an ulcer.

386
00:18:22,710 --> 00:18:24,364
After you're cured
at Tokyo General,

387
00:18:24,407 --> 00:18:26,105
they ship you off
to another unit.

388
00:18:26,148 --> 00:18:28,281
I could wind up in
a place worse than this?

389
00:18:28,324 --> 00:18:30,500
There's no place
worse than this.

390
00:18:30,544 --> 00:18:32,023
Well, they give you
the choice of staying

391
00:18:32,067 --> 00:18:33,460
where you are
and being cured.

392
00:18:33,503 --> 00:18:35,810
This place
gave me the ulcer.

393
00:18:35,853 --> 00:18:38,247
It gave me the runs.

394
00:18:38,291 --> 00:18:40,380
[whooping in distance]

395
00:18:40,423 --> 00:18:42,251
Look, Radar, don't say
anything about this

396
00:18:42,295 --> 00:18:44,166
to anybody, okay?
I'll take care of it.

397
00:18:44,210 --> 00:18:45,733
Oh, sure.

398
00:18:45,776 --> 00:18:48,214
Listen, I'm sorry you're
not going home, Trap.

399
00:18:48,257 --> 00:18:50,477
-But I'm glad you're back.
-Thanks, Radar.

400
00:18:53,828 --> 00:18:55,699
♪♪ [jazz]

401
00:19:15,502 --> 00:19:17,330
[cheering]

402
00:19:23,423 --> 00:19:25,599
I'm driving down to Seoul
tomorrow night,

403
00:19:25,642 --> 00:19:27,209
if that's of any
interest to you.

404
00:19:27,253 --> 00:19:29,951
I don't go out with
married men, Colonel.

405
00:19:29,994 --> 00:19:32,562
Well, neither do I.

406
00:19:32,606 --> 00:19:35,391
Henry's at 6,000 feet
and holding.

407
00:19:35,435 --> 00:19:37,437
You could do an
appendectomy on him

408
00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:39,221
without an anaesthetic.

409
00:19:39,265 --> 00:19:41,876
-Hey.
-Hey.

410
00:19:41,919 --> 00:19:45,009
Here's the graduating
class. [laughing]

411
00:19:47,098 --> 00:19:49,753
Pierce, we're
losing our boy.

412
00:19:49,797 --> 00:19:52,756
Well, we knew
he'd leave us one day.

413
00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:55,933
One of the best darn cutters
in the whole shootin' match.

414
00:19:55,977 --> 00:19:59,546
Both of you. Won't be
the same without you.

415
00:19:59,589 --> 00:20:01,635
He's leaving.

416
00:20:01,678 --> 00:20:02,636
You, either.

417
00:20:05,987 --> 00:20:08,511
Uh, Margaret,
I should warn you.

418
00:20:08,555 --> 00:20:09,991
Alcohol is quite
fattening.

419
00:20:10,034 --> 00:20:11,819
It's all right, Frank.

420
00:20:11,862 --> 00:20:13,995
I plan to throw up later.

421
00:20:18,129 --> 00:20:21,263
Could you do me
a favor when you get
stateside, sir?

422
00:20:21,307 --> 00:20:23,831
I need a black
evening bra.

423
00:20:23,874 --> 00:20:25,267
No man should
be without one.

424
00:20:25,311 --> 00:20:26,964
I'll pay for it.

425
00:20:27,008 --> 00:20:29,097
I got my mad money
here someplace, sir.

426
00:20:29,140 --> 00:20:30,446
Hold on to it, Klinger.

427
00:20:30,490 --> 00:20:32,709
-Beat it.
-Yes, sir.

428
00:20:35,277 --> 00:20:37,845
There you are, you.

429
00:20:37,888 --> 00:20:41,457
You "aminal."

430
00:20:41,501 --> 00:20:43,981
The major's
a little snoggered.

431
00:20:44,025 --> 00:20:46,332
How can you tell?

432
00:20:46,375 --> 00:20:49,378
Well, McIntyre.
I guess this is it.

433
00:20:49,422 --> 00:20:51,467
I, uh, just wanted
you to know

434
00:20:51,511 --> 00:20:52,990
I've always admired you.

435
00:20:53,034 --> 00:20:54,992
-Always liked you.
-Thanks, Frank.

436
00:20:55,036 --> 00:20:57,343
But I'm glad
you're going.

437
00:20:57,386 --> 00:20:59,954
Quiet, Frank, or I'll
tie you to Emily Post.

438
00:21:01,912 --> 00:21:03,305
-Frank.
-Hmm?

439
00:21:03,349 --> 00:21:04,741
We're having a little
entertainment later.

440
00:21:04,785 --> 00:21:06,134
Oh, good.

441
00:21:06,177 --> 00:21:07,788
I understand you play
"America, the Beautiful"

442
00:21:07,831 --> 00:21:09,006
on the spoons.

443
00:21:09,050 --> 00:21:10,530
[chuckling]
Oh, well.

444
00:21:10,573 --> 00:21:12,096
It's nothing, really.

445
00:21:12,140 --> 00:21:13,837
I'm sure.

446
00:21:13,881 --> 00:21:17,667
If you come to my tent,
I'll keep my flaps up.

447
00:21:17,711 --> 00:21:20,104
I've been waiting
a long time to tell
you something,

448
00:21:20,148 --> 00:21:22,542
Captain Trapper
John-Intyre.

449
00:21:22,585 --> 00:21:24,370
Really, Margaret?

450
00:21:24,413 --> 00:21:27,242
I always watch you.
You wouldn't know that.

451
00:21:27,286 --> 00:21:28,939
And every time you look
when I'm looking,

452
00:21:28,983 --> 00:21:30,941
I watch something else
so that you can't see

453
00:21:30,985 --> 00:21:33,204
that I've been looking
when you're watching.

454
00:21:33,248 --> 00:21:34,423
I see.

455
00:21:34,467 --> 00:21:35,946
Especially when you
play football

456
00:21:35,990 --> 00:21:37,339
in your bathing trunks.

457
00:21:38,993 --> 00:21:40,690
And now you're leaving.

458
00:21:42,170 --> 00:21:44,825
And I'm stuck
with needle-nose.

459
00:21:44,868 --> 00:21:46,305
[knocking]

460
00:21:46,348 --> 00:21:48,132
Hold it down, everybody.

461
00:21:48,176 --> 00:21:50,047
Let me have
your attention.

462
00:21:50,091 --> 00:21:51,745
-Henry.
-Yo.

463
00:21:54,269 --> 00:21:55,314
[record scratches]

464
00:21:59,143 --> 00:22:00,710
As you all know,

465
00:22:00,754 --> 00:22:03,060
this is Trapper John's
last party with us.

466
00:22:03,104 --> 00:22:06,586
While we're all saddened
that he's leaving,

467
00:22:06,629 --> 00:22:08,196
we're gladdened
that he's going home

468
00:22:08,239 --> 00:22:09,893
to the land of the
all-night generator.

469
00:22:09,937 --> 00:22:12,592
[laughter]

470
00:22:12,635 --> 00:22:15,725
Good friend,
good companion.

471
00:22:17,684 --> 00:22:19,381
He's taken a lot of the
rottenness out of the war

472
00:22:19,425 --> 00:22:20,469
for all of us.

473
00:22:23,254 --> 00:22:25,169
We'll miss his stupid laugh.

474
00:22:29,260 --> 00:22:31,654
We'll miss his two good hands.

475
00:22:31,698 --> 00:22:37,094
HENRY: Honey, marriage has
nothing to do with sex.

476
00:22:39,662 --> 00:22:42,099
Now a few presents for
the bar mitzvah boy.

477
00:22:42,143 --> 00:22:44,014
[cheering]

478
00:22:47,844 --> 00:22:49,019
From the nurses...

479
00:22:49,063 --> 00:22:50,717
[women cheering]

480
00:22:50,760 --> 00:22:53,589
-Hey!
-Ha ha ha ha ha!

481
00:22:53,633 --> 00:22:55,809
From the nurses, a pair
of all-weather pajamas,

482
00:22:55,852 --> 00:22:58,681
-tops only.
-Hey.

483
00:22:58,725 --> 00:23:00,640
You'll get the bottoms
a week after you're home.

484
00:23:01,815 --> 00:23:03,469
Oh, you know what I mean?

485
00:23:05,035 --> 00:23:06,907
From the enlisted men,

486
00:23:06,950 --> 00:23:08,430
a matched pair
of cockroaches

487
00:23:08,474 --> 00:23:10,998
bronzed and suitable
for use as cuff links.

488
00:23:13,740 --> 00:23:15,698
You just killed
my cuff links.

489
00:23:17,570 --> 00:23:20,050
And from the hospital staff,

490
00:23:20,094 --> 00:23:21,922
a record album for
those quiet evenings

491
00:23:21,965 --> 00:23:25,099
after the day's surgery
has been botched.

492
00:23:25,142 --> 00:23:27,449
Sonja Henie Sings
Figure Eights For You.

493
00:23:27,493 --> 00:23:29,320
[cheering]

494
00:23:29,364 --> 00:23:30,974
Speech!

495
00:23:31,018 --> 00:23:32,889
-Speech!
-Speech!

496
00:23:32,933 --> 00:23:33,934
Speech!

497
00:23:38,025 --> 00:23:38,982
Thanks.

498
00:23:40,593 --> 00:23:42,595
Thanks, really. I, uh...

499
00:23:42,638 --> 00:23:44,031
I appreciate it.

500
00:23:45,424 --> 00:23:48,296
But as someone once said,

501
00:23:48,339 --> 00:23:50,559
no good deed ever
goes unpunished.

502
00:23:50,603 --> 00:23:52,474
[chuckling]

503
00:23:54,911 --> 00:23:56,347
I'm staying.

504
00:23:56,391 --> 00:23:57,566
-Hmm?
-What?

505
00:23:57,610 --> 00:23:58,654
[murmuring]

506
00:24:00,482 --> 00:24:02,049
That's right, no joke.

507
00:24:03,442 --> 00:24:05,705
The army, in its
infinite insanity,

508
00:24:05,748 --> 00:24:07,924
says I can't go home.

509
00:24:07,968 --> 00:24:12,233
They've given me,
uh, several options,

510
00:24:12,276 --> 00:24:14,409
the least objectionable
of which is staying here

511
00:24:14,453 --> 00:24:18,065
with-- with you idiots

512
00:24:18,108 --> 00:24:20,720
in this upholstered
men's room.

513
00:24:20,763 --> 00:24:21,808
[whooping]

514
00:24:21,851 --> 00:24:22,896
And as for you, Margaret,

515
00:24:22,939 --> 00:24:25,115
I'll see you tomorrow night.

516
00:24:27,509 --> 00:24:28,684
Trap, you're kidding.

517
00:24:28,728 --> 00:24:30,599
I can kid better than that.

518
00:24:30,643 --> 00:24:32,601
I'm buying.

519
00:24:32,645 --> 00:24:33,907
Milk for everybody.

520
00:24:33,950 --> 00:24:36,083
[cheers, applause]

521
00:24:40,435 --> 00:24:42,959
Awful. That's awful.

522
00:24:53,187 --> 00:24:54,884
Time for your medication.

523
00:24:56,843 --> 00:24:58,540
[groaning] Yeah.

524
00:24:58,584 --> 00:24:59,933
Three more weeks,
that's all.

525
00:24:59,976 --> 00:25:01,456
You'll be up and playing
the violin again.

526
00:25:01,500 --> 00:25:04,328
Swell, and I'm a ballerina.

527
00:25:04,372 --> 00:25:05,852
What's that?

528
00:25:05,895 --> 00:25:07,288
Tranquilizers.

529
00:25:07,331 --> 00:25:08,724
They make you
relax completely.

530
00:25:08,768 --> 00:25:10,117
They don't work.

531
00:25:10,160 --> 00:25:11,988
They do so. Try it.

532
00:25:13,599 --> 00:25:14,687
You first.

533
00:25:21,302 --> 00:25:22,521
[sigh]

534
00:25:24,610 --> 00:25:26,176
[laughing]

535
00:25:36,404 --> 00:25:39,146
♪♪ [theme]